The Buck Stops Here

I don’t remember when I shut down.  It must have been at a very young age, 3 years old maybe.  What I mean by shut down is close my heart so I didn’t feel.  I didn’t want to feel the pain of my mother’s hostility.  Her anger.  So I stopped shining my light.  I stopped loving.  I stopped feeling anything except a deep anger.  It came out in all my interactions.  I had to really work at being nice.  Being nice was acceptable.  The thing is, when nice is covering up anger, it comes out as mean sarcasm.  And I was very sarcastic and mean at times. Especially when I felt hurt.  I realize by shutting down, I didn’t effectively shield myself from the pain of the outside world, I only stopped giving my light.  I stopped experiencing the world as a fun and joyful place.  In the end I had no idea what I liked or wanted.  I didn’t know myself at all.  And I was miserable.

Generational abuse can seemingly have no beginning and will definitely have no end if we aren’t aware and make efforts to change.  As a result of a very awful childhood and unimaginable abuses my Grandmother had nothing to give to my Mother, who in turn had nothing to give to me.  I was emotionally unavailable and absent for my children.  And so it goes, down the line.  Each generation trying their best, yet perpetuating.

Trying to be that loving individual to my children I so desperately needed when I was growing up was exhausting.  I felt alone, anxious and depressed.  At times suicidal.  If it weren’t for a few extraordinary people dotted through my life, I wouldn’t be here.  Those few went out of their way to show me over and over again that I mattered, that I am loved just as I am and that I have beautiful qualities worth sharing with the world.

I think all babies are born full of love, shining their light.  Their heart is wide open.  Over time that light is beaten down.  Through mental, emotional and physical abuses by the people they love and society.  I saw these beautiful qualities in my youngest sister when she was born.  Always smiling, giggling and happy.  It didn’t take long for life to suck those qualities out of her.  Between the family dysfunctions and life, she was dealt a harsh hand.

My middle sister had the indomitable spirit I always admired.  No amount of crap was going to steal her light.  She made her way in life focusing on what mattered most, her family.  She courageously fought for the family most of us only dream of.  Of course they have their issues, they are humans living on this planet.  However, when we come from generations of extreme dysfunction, it takes gargantuan effort to break free of the cycle.

All three of us tried in our own way to break free.  My youngest sister eventually opted out.  At nearly 29 she had enough of the physical and emotional pain and suicided.  I don’t consider this weak or selfish.  I witnessed her struggle her whole life.  I know she put in valiant efforts.  I consider her a very brave soul.  And no I don’t recommend suicide.  We have to fight to stay.  She did.  Over and over again.  And bravely she chose enough.  And stopped.

There are many wrongs on our planet.  Basic needs not met, lack of equality and community.  Many problems put upon society by governments and corporations.  We are mostly a race of slaves to varying degrees.  It is my belief that between the generational abuses and that of governments and corporations, mental health problems are rampant today.  The current for swimming upstream has gotten very strong.  Too strong for some.

We are taught from birth to hate, to believe one is superior over another.  We are brain washed to be dependent on jobs and to shop endlessly.  Very few people are truly independent any more.   As we work harder under more rules and greater tax, we have become more disconnected.  Community is difficult to maintain or nonexistent now.  It is no wonder mental and emotional pain is greater than ever before.  So how do we stop the suffering?  This is the question many have been struggling with.  For some the only answer is – out.

Until there is a mass awakening on this planet, we must put in greater efforts.  We must break free of our beliefs and stop buying into the brainwashing.  We must be more like my middle sister and focus on what matters most and place our energy there.  Yes it will take huge energy, at first.  As more of us do, and more, and more, it will finally become natural.

We can start by being kind.  Especially to those we don’t know.  Show compassion and empathy, especially when it’s hard, when someone is being angry or disrespectful.  It takes greater character and integrity of spirit to show kindness and gratitude when under pressure.  The humans on this planet, in order to turn things around, must put in the seemingly impossible efforts to change the tide.  The buck stops with each and every individual to change course.  To stop the generational pain and societal abuses.  We must choose kindness, compassion and empathy to and for one another to thrive in a good way.

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